WHY WE FEAR SUCCESS AND HOW PLAY UNLOCKS TRUE ABUNDANCE
By Lael Stone
There’s a funny thing about success: it’s a word that means a great deal and, at the same time, nothing at all. What do I mean by that? Success is hugely important, but highly subjective.
Success looks different for everyone, but it can be a source of conflict and distress. Whatever success looks like for you, it’s certain you will have imprints around success which directly affect your potential for happiness.
It may sound odd, but we are all actually so much more frightened of success than we are of failure. Many of us stay in the mindset of ‘it’s better not to try’ because we fear what success might bring.
Success can feel threatening, as it might mean facing judgement, losing friendships, losing our lives as we know them. These fears are often projections – stories we tell ourselves about what we think might happen, based on the narratives we’ve been taught, and the way society views success.
In Australia, my home, a cultural phenomenon exists called the ‘tall poppy syndrome’, a narrative in which the titular ‘tall poppy’ symbolises those who rise above the rest in their field, gaining recognition, only to face criticism or being brought down to size. This social inclination creates an atmosphere where people are hesitant to openly acknowledge or celebrate the accomplishments and triumphs of others or themselves, especially when they appear to be outshining or attaining significant success. It’s often touted as a form of humility and egalitarianism but as a society, we’ve maybe become too good at humility.
This cultural conditioning causes people to downplay their achievements or remain modest about their success to avoid standing out too much. I have seen so many clients who won’t take risks in case whatever they want to do is successful, for fear they will be judged and criticised. The fear of being perceived as ‘too big for one’s boots’ can stifle ambition, creativity and innovation.
We must get better and start championing each other. As a first step, I want us to get better at championing the self. Success is a highly subjective thing, and what success actually means will differ hugely from person to person. That said, the social imprints around success tend to stem from similar pressures and attitudes.
Most people carry some burden of self-doubt, knowing deep down they are not living their best lives. When that internal conflict becomes externalised, it can be in the form of judgement of others; we judge because when someone else seems to be shining with success, our own lives can feel tarnished and dull in comparison. This also fosters energy that is more in tune with a comfortable level of failure than unashamedly pursuing abundant success and happiness.
I’ve observed an interesting pattern: those in my network who are actively pursuing success and pushing their limits tend to be the most supportive and encouraging of others. They champion my growth, inspiring me to reach new heights. In contrast, those who remain stagnant or confine themselves to a small playing field are often the most critical or judgemental. Cutting others down deflects from the fact that we are not living our best lives, and says much more about them than those they are judging.
When we revert to the levels of consciousness, we often judge and criticise someone’s success when we are caught up in an unconscious way of being. Judgement and criticism are often the default.
When we operate from a conscious way of being, and we realise that we all have the power to live our best lives, we often champion others’ success.
How good could it get?
At some point in life, when weighing up whether to make a choice or take a risk, you’ve perhaps comforted yourself by asking something like, ‘How bad could it be?’ We couch the pursuit of success in language that assumes negative outcomes, because deep down, most of us are scared of what having an abundant, successful life would mean.
I invite you to ask yourself a different question: ‘How good could it get?’ This is a question I often ask my husband, myself and the universe at large when I want to change some patterns in my belief systems around struggle, working hard and having fun. The key is to shift our mindset from thinking about what could go wrong to a story of what could go right. And our body always listens to what our mind has to say.
What has been interesting to observe in myself was the discomfort that arises when I visualise my best life. When I started working on my own imprints in this area, I found a lot of internal resistance. I would sit with an ambition or dream – to travel, build a home, build a school, share my knowledge with the world – and my own mind would start to find flaws. Yeah, that all sounds great, but what about X, Y and Z? Or a pushback as simple and brutal as, Something will go wrong. Which of course ensured that when my dreams played out in real life, something inevitably went wrong.
For a while, I created lots of wonderful flow in my life – whether that be in my relationships, with work or my passions – but there was always this underlying belief that ‘you can’t have everything’. That some part of you always has to struggle, that without hardship, life is meaningless. But why? Why, in my imprints, did I believe this thing that didn’t need to be true?
As I delved deeper, I uncovered a story: that I believed I needed to struggle, or people would judge me. If my life was great and flowing, people would be jealous or make judgements, and that would feel confronting. Whereas if I looked like I was struggling in some part of my life, then I would find myself on a more even playing field with my peers and family and I would be safe from judgement.
For many people, the fear around ‘how good it could be?’ stems from protection. When we believe that something terrible will inevitably happen to us – being abandoned by our families, a relationship breakdown – we hold ourselves back by trying to prepare ourselves for it. Because if we never let ourselves be really happy, it won’t hurt so much when fate snatches that happiness away. It’s a common story we all tell ourselves. But it’s a story that we don’t have to carry with us.
I told myself that story for many years before I could finally let it go. Because, after all, that’s all they are – stories; narratives fuelled by the fear that sits behind them.
Fun and joy
Play, laughter and connection all contribute to us living a life with more flow. Have you ever noticed how relaxed you feel after watching a comedy on Netflix, when you’ve laughed a lot? Or when you are with friends, and you have a big belly laugh? We often feel happier, relaxed and open. Play and laughter are profoundly powerful tools of expression and healing. Laughter in particular helps to release feelings of discomfort, embarrassment, anxiety and fear.
Play is a key component in our relationship with joy and living an abundant life. Our imprints around this often run deep and, quite often, block us from having the life we want.
Do you remember the moment you stopped playing? For some, it might have been during your teenage years, when fitting in and belonging became the priority. Where once imagination and creativity fuelled your inner world, there was a shift – a new focus on acceptance and conformity.
For others, play may never have been a significant part of childhood, as responsibility took centre stage from an early age. Yet for some, play remains an integral part of life, cherished and prioritised as essential to balance and joy.
Play looks different for everyone, but its benefits are undeniable:
Stress relief: when we laugh and have fun, our bodies release endorphins, natural feel-good chemicals which reduce stress and boost overall wellbeing.
Creativity and innovation: play sparks creative thinking and enhances problem-solving skills. It helps us tackle challenges with fresh perspectives, often leading to innovative solutions. Some of the most successful companies worldwide emphasise playfulness in the workplace, recognising its ability to improve productivity and inspire new ideas.
Love of learning: engaging in enjoyable activities fosters a lifelong love of learning. Adults who embrace play are more likely to absorb new information and master new skills effectively.
One fascinating study by the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development highlights the power of play. Scientists have discovered that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain – unless it’s done through play, in which case it only takes 10 to 20 repetitions. We are wired to learn through play.
Yet there is often a noticeable absence of play in the lives of the adults I work with. It’s easy to justify why we no longer play as adults. Responsibilities and time constraints – work, family and household chores – leave little room for leisure activities. Society’s expectations for adults to be serious and responsible further pushes play to the bottom of the priority list.
Play asks us to let go, be silly, take risks and step outside our comfort zones. Yet, with the emotional armour most adults are conditioned to wear, this can feel daunting. In a world that rewards obedience, control and restraint, it’s no surprise that play often gets sidelined.
Ask yourself: what is your relationship with play? Where does play register in your life? When was the last time you played and laughed for the sheer enjoyment of it? Can you write a list of things that bring you joy and how you might incorporate that into your life now? Play connects us to joy, and joy is essential for living an abundant life.
Our relationship with play often reflects deeper imprints which shape our ability to experience joy and fulfilment. Many of us have internalised imprints that play is a distraction from success, rather than an essential component of it. Which is a shame, because this belief puts a lid on our happiness, hiding it away in a part of ourselves separate from work, family, ambition, romance – all the other areas of our life that could be vastly improved by bringing a sense of play and spontaneity!
Extracted from Own Your Story by Lael Stone, published by Pan Macmillan Australia (RRP $36.99) out now.
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