MOTHERHOOD AND IDENTITY LOSS: FINDING YOURSELF AGAIN
By Nicole Fuge
There’s a quiet moment many mothers don’t talk about. Somewhere between the nappies, the night feeds, the endless snacks, and the sacred silence of a sleeping child, you realise you don’t quite recognise yourself anymore.
Motherhood is life-changing in all the best and most beautiful ways. But it can also bring a sense of loss. Not of love or purpose, but of you. The woman who once had time to think, who dressed for herself, who maybe had big dreams or a strong sense of self. The one who had a name that wasn’t just “Mum.”
This identity shift is real, and you’re not alone if you’re feeling it.
The invisible shift
From the moment a baby arrives (or even during pregnancy), the world starts to treat you differently. Suddenly, your needs come second. Your time is no longer your own. Even your body doesn’t feel like yours anymore. And in giving so much, it’s easy to lose sight of who you were before.
Some days, you might feel like you’re living on autopilot. You miss the woman who could finish a coffee while it was still hot. The one who had a full conversation without being interrupted. The one who had passions, hobbies, maybe even a career that felt fulfilling.
And while motherhood adds richness to your life, it doesn’t mean you have to erase the woman you were before.
Why we don’t talk about it more
There’s an unspoken pressure to love every single second of motherhood. To be grateful. To not complain. To always put your children first. But acknowledging that you miss yourself isn’t selfish—it’s human.
Losing your identity doesn’t mean you love your children any less. It simply means you’re recognising the need to reconnect with yourself. And that’s not only okay, it’s essential.
Because when you feel like yourself again, you show up as a more grounded, present, and fulfilled version of you. And your children get to see what it looks like when a woman honours who she is.
So, how do you start to find yourself again?
Here’s the truth: you’re still in there. She hasn’t disappeared. She’s just been a little buried beneath the weight of responsibility and love.
Here are some ways to begin reconnecting with who you are beyond motherhood:
Give yourself permission
You don’t need to earn rest. You don’t need to wait for your children to reach a certain age before you can think about yourself again. You can want more for yourself and still be a wonderful mother. Start by giving yourself permission to matter.
Revisit the things you used to love
What lit you up before motherhood? Was it writing, painting, running, baking, dancing, reading? Even carving out 10 minutes a week to do something just for you is a powerful reminder that you still exist outside of motherhood.
Speak to yourself with compassion
That inner critic, the one who says you’re not doing enough, that you’ve let yourself go, that you should be more, isn’t helping. Try replacing her voice with one that sounds more like a friend. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself.
Connect with other women
There’s magic in honest conversations. When we speak openly about identity loss, matrescence, and the messiness of motherhood, we create space for others to do the same. Whether it’s a mothers’ group, a close friend, or an online community, seek out people who see you—not just the mum version.
Explore something new
Sometimes, it’s not about going back to who you were, but discovering a new version of yourself. Maybe you’re evolving. Maybe your identity is shifting into something more complex and interesting. Let yourself be curious. You don’t have to have it all figured out right now.
What identity loss really means
Losing yourself doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it means you’ve been giving deeply. It means you’ve poured love, time, and care into tiny humans who rely on you. But it also means it’s time to pour a little (or a lot) of that love back into yourself.
Because the truth is: you’re still here. A little changed, yes. But also stronger, wiser, more empathetic. You might be softer in some ways, and more fierce in others. Your identity isn’t lost, it’s just been rewritten, with motherhood as a new chapter.
The path to yourself
Finding yourself again doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a slow return, one breath, one decision, one small act of self-recognition at a time. And it doesn’t mean choosing between your children and yourself, it means remembering that you matter, too.
So if you’re in the thick of it, knee-deep in nappies or navigating teenage emotions, know this: you haven’t disappeared. You’ve just been busy becoming someone brand new. And she’s worth discovering.
MUSE PAPER
ISSUE 04