GROWING UP 'HAPPY HURTS': HOW TO LET GO (A LITTLE) WHEN THEY NO LONGER NEED YOU

By Nicole Fuge

In the thick of early motherhood, when the days are long and the nights are longer, it's easy to fantasise about a time when your kids are more independent. You dream of solo trips to the toilet, hot coffee that stays hot, and a life where you’re not constantly needed for every little thing. The nappy blowouts, the middle-of-the-night wakeups, the relentless snack demands; they feel endless. But they’re not. And when they end, they end quietly.

No one really warns you about that part—the part where your children begin to pull away.

One day, they stop asking you to tuck them in. They get themselves dressed. They don’t run into your arms after school anymore because they’d rather walk with their friends. It doesn’t happen all at once. It’s a slow, subtle shift. But it can feel like grief, the kind that’s hard to name. The kind that sneaks up on you when you're folding a tiny outgrown jumper or dropping them at the school gate and they barely look back.

So how do we make peace with the fact that, if we’ve done our job right, our children will eventually not need us as much? And more importantly, how can we hold this truth while still in the trenches of early motherhood?

Here’s how to prepare for the emotional pivot, even if you’re still knee-deep in Lego and lunchboxes.

1. Understand that motherhood is a series of endings

From the moment they’re born, our children are slowly moving away from us, and that’s the point. That’s healthy, beautiful, and necessary. The first time they sleep through the night. The first time they let go of your hand in a busy carpark. The first sleepover. Each stage brings a loss and a gain. But in the early years, we’re often too exhausted to think beyond the next nap. Still, it helps to remember: every phase ends. Even the hard ones.

2. Stay anchored in your identity outside of motherhood

When your whole world revolves around being needed, physically, emotionally, constantly, it’s easy to lose parts of yourself. But you were someone before motherhood, and you’ll still be someone after they grow up and need you less. Whether it’s writing, painting, reading, working, running, or connecting with friends, keep a piece of yourself just for you. Not only does this support your mental health, but it also models healthy independence to your children.

3. Don’t wish away the hard parts

Yes, parenting little kids is demanding. But every time we say “I can’t wait until…” we’re fast-forwarding through moments we’ll one day miss. You will miss the sticky fingers, the cuddles that feel like full-body hugs, and the way they can’t fall asleep unless you lie beside them. Try to meet the hard days with grace, knowing they won’t last forever. The mess will eventually clear, but so will the magic.

4. Make space for both grief and pride

Watching your child grow into their own person is one of life’s greatest privileges. But it’s okay if it also hurts a little. For me, each milestone ‘happy hurts’. The pang when they don’t want to hold your hand. The lump in your throat when they head off to camp or high school. These feelings don’t mean you’re not a good mum, they mean you’re a human one. Let yourself feel it. Let yourself mourn what was, even as you celebrate what’s to come.

5. Invest in connection, not control

As kids grow, the way they need us changes. They might not need help brushing their teeth, but they still need emotional guidance, a safe space, and a calm voice when everything feels hard. Rather than clinging to physical dependence, focus on nurturing emotional closeness. Start conversations. Listen without fixing. Be the place they come back to, even when they don’t have to.

6. Talk to mothers ahead of you

There’s so much wisdom in the women just a few steps ahead. Ask the mum of teens what surprised her most. Ask the empty-nester what she wishes she’d done differently. Let their stories soften your expectations and widen your perspective. Motherhood is full of unspoken milestones, we don’t have to go through them alone.

7. Know that you are still needed—just differently

Even when they stop needing you to cut their toast into triangles or read their bedtime stories, you still matter more than you know. Your presence, your wisdom, and your unconditional love, those things don’t become obsolete. They just evolve. The relationship shifts, but the bond doesn’t disappear.

In a world that romanticises the early years and often forgets the emotional complexity of letting go, it’s important to name this truth: being needed less can feel like loss. But it’s also the beginning of a new kind of closeness, one based on respect, trust, and choice.

So if you're in the thick of it now, hair in a mum bun, wiping noses, stepping on toys, know this: one day, it will all change. It will get easier in many ways. But your heart may ache for the days when you were their whole world.

Let that truth make you more present. Not fearful, but grateful.

Because while they won’t always need your hands, they’ll always carry your heart. And that’s a kind of forever no milestone can erase.

MUSE PAPER
ISSUE 04