HEALING, FORGIVENESS AND FREEDOM THROUGH SELF-COMPASSION
By Lael Stone
We are all looking for the courage to own our story and the compassion to realise that we are not ‘wrong’ for navigating life the way we do; we are simply being guided by our inner barometer for safety and meeting our needs. No matter how misguided this may be, it’s often the perceptions of the child that dictate the behaviour of the adult. The key here is to move into compassion for the younger parts of you, who were doing the best job they could.
If we have been imprinted with a story of carrying resentment and hurt, we often internalise that belief and apply it to ourselves. We carry harsh thoughts about our mistakes or speak critically to ourselves when we mess up. We may also carry burdens of guilt and pain for past behaviours. These burdens often stem from times when we were stressed or scared, when we didn’t have enough sleep or were worried about money. When our wounds surfaced, we may have taken them out on each other, or our children.
It’s not uncommon for parents to come to me seeking tools or suggestions to help their children heal from choices they made as parents.
I stand firmly in the belief that it is never too late for healing, and the first step in creating spaces for healing is by forgiving ourselves. This is often one of the most challenging things to do. As we have explored earlier, we are all products of the circumstances we grew up in, a world that conditions us to berate ourselves and be harsh when we make mistakes or do something wrong. Our default is rarely to be compassionate and understanding of our imperfections. Therefore, the first step as we embark on the process of repairing or healing is to cultivate compassion for ourselves.
We are all growing, learning and doing the best we can with the information we have, much like small children. They learn to eat with their hands, then with a fork and spoon. They learn to crawl, walk and run. We don’t berate or yell at a child for not crawling perfectly or for taking a long time to learn to read or write. We have patience and understand that this is part of their growth.
As adults, we are no different. And yes, while we sometimes know better and still make less-than-ideal choices, compassion and understanding are crucial. We are always coming from a place of protection, always assessing situations from an emotional safety standpoint. Sometimes that manifests as yelling; other times, it looks like making choices we wouldn’t make if we felt supported and grounded.
The key here is to move into compassion for the younger parts of us that were doing the best they could at the time. When we soften into these spaces, we often open ourselves to healing.
From this place of compassion, we can own our behaviour. We can listen to the hurt and pain of others, and offer a bridge of reconciliation and healing. Sitting in a space of compassion for ourselves opens genuine pathways for forgiveness. If we can hold that space openly, we often find we have more capacity to meet someone in their hurt and pain.
Although it can be painful to own the ways in which we have hurt someone, sitting in compassion with ourselves allows us to make peace with the story without carrying burdens of guilt or needing a specific response from someone else.
Our imprints from our parents around forgiveness and healing certainly influence how we respond in life, but, like many questions posed in this book, we might ask: If I no longer believed this story or carried this burden, what would happen? What would it mean?
Perhaps you would find yourself living the life of joy and freedom you deeply desire.
As messy and hard as it can be, it’s important to acknowledge the courage it takes to look at these stories and to do this work.
I am an advocate of doing the work not just for ourselves, but because the more work we do now in healing our trauma and our stories, the less we pass on to our children, our grandchildren and all future generations. Parents I work with today are some of the most powerful we’ve ever had because they are willing to understand what happened to them and what they can do differently. But this work is not easy; it often involves unravelling and changing generations of inherited imprints and patterns.
You can parent your kids in the best way possible, but they are still going to have a story. We can’t dodge feeling the hard stuff – we are messy, complex creatures – but, ideally, when we bring a level of consciousness to our own healing, we can pass on positive imprints, or at least fewer negative ones.
Forgiving our parents
When we do this work, we can also find forgiveness for the mistakes of our parents. We can acknowledge that yes, our parents did the best they knew how, but we can also carry a whole lot of hurt and pain. We can acknowledge that these two things can coexist.
Every single person in our lives is an opportunity to mirror back the stories that we don’t want to look at. You can either look through the lens of ‘Why can’t they be the way I want them to be?’ or we ask ourselves, ‘What is this person going to teach me?’ One of these is likely to end in further hurt, while the other is the first step on the road to peace.
Every person we ever meet is a teacher, and there’s no more important teacher than the people who raised us. While their behaviour and choices may unfortunately leave lasting hurt, and shape imprints that do not serve us, we do have the power to forgive. And in that forgiveness, we give ourselves one the greatest gifts we can receive: peace of mind.
Forgiveness as freedom
Forgiveness can sometimes be interpreted as excusing someone’s behaviour. People can do very hurtful things in this world, and if you have been on the receiving end of that, I am deeply sorry for your pain. If you have had incredible pain, abuse or hurt, I am not asking you to forgive the perpetrator and pretend it is all okay.
Forgiveness is a type of freedom. The goal of this kind of forgiveness is never about making it okay for the other person; it is about no longer carrying the pain and hurt inside yourself. The idea is to find a way to hand back the pain or claim the power you felt you lost; to see the bigger picture and claim back whatever it is you need to feel whole.
Many people I have worked with in this capacity have moved into a space where they feel a nothingness or indifference towards the person who has caused them hurt. They can sometimes see the gifts that came from the struggle and pain while actively choosing to live a life free from the trauma and hurt. Sometimes it’s easier to view this as a completion instead of forgiveness. With a completion, we make the decision to no longer carry the pain. We no longer carry the burden of the story. We put it down and pull our power back so we can take steps that move us forward in life.
The benefits of actively cultivating forgiveness go well beyond the spiritual and emotional. There have been many studies to support that holding onto pain, resentment, hate and anger can turn up as inflammation and illness in the body.
Dr Gabor Maté, a renowned physician and author with expertise in trauma, has explored the connection between emotional experiences and physical health. His research explores how anger and resentment trigger our body’s stress response. When we experience these emotions, our bodies release stress hormones, like cortisol and adrenaline. Our bodies were designed to deal with acute stress, like escaping from a predator, but they are not well-equipped to handle ongoing stressors. Constant stress is a known driver of inflammation, which is part of the body’s immune response, but it can become harmful if it becomes chronic. Prolonged inflammation is linked to numerous health problems, including autoimmune diseases, cardiovascular issues and chronic pain.
Chronic stress and inflammation are also known to weaken the immune system, which can make the body more vulnerable to infections and illness. Holding onto pain, anger and hurt will literally make you sick. Forgiving the person who hurt you or moving into a space of completion is a gift you can give yourself, and the ones you love.
As the legendary advice columnist Ann Landers said, ‘Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.’
True growth
One of our biggest pain points is that we will instinctively look for our parents or our siblings to meet us in the places we want to be met, but often they are not capable of doing so. When this happens, we tend to make them wrong. What needs to be recognised is that the real work lies in understanding that you do not have the power to make these people any different, and you do not need to. What you do have is the power and choice over whether you spend time with them.
Pain stems from continuing to seek something from them that they may never be able to provide. True growth comes in knowing you can hang out with your family and knowing you don’t need them to change to better fit the person you have grown into.
This connects back to the levels of consciousness and our expectations of others. The more we bring mindfulness into our daily lives, the quicker we can catch our thoughts and beliefs around our perceptions and projections.
True mastery comes when we become aware of any reactions that feel unbalanced, out of proportion to the situation, or lack compassion. When we notice irritation, reactivity or judgement surfacing, we can step back and ask ourselves, ‘What is happening for me right now? What am I making this mean? What is stirring within me?’
This practice is especially important with our partners, children and family members. When they behave in ways that trigger a reaction in us, it’s crucial to pause and recognise that they are doing the best they know how. Our reaction is ours, and ours alone, to work through. By acknowledging this, we can approach these moments with more understanding and love – both for ourselves and for those around us. This is how we reach a ‘symbolic’ or conscious way of living. We own all that is ours, we embrace all that has come before us and we stay open to all that may unfold.
Working through your reactions
What does this look like in the moment, when you are at a family gathering and your older sibling is rubbishing you like he used to when you were young? Or your mother is making passive-aggressive comments? What can you do in that moment when every part of you wants to yell, scream or react like a child?
First, you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is not an emergency.
Stay in your body. We often move into a fight-or-flight state when we are triggered, and we often leave our bodies and go into protection and reaction mode. We can counter this by planting our feet on the ground, taking a deep breath and even saying the words inside our head, This is not an emergency, but something interesting is happening. In doing so, we are letting our body know it doesn’t have to be on high alert.
Our next step is to create some distance. It is often very hard to be conscious of our thoughts when we feel entangled with something. When we are right in the middle of a situation that is activating older, deeper wounds, it can be very hard to see our part in the story or to respond from the wise adult self. One of the most powerful things we can do is pull back and acknowledge our reaction. We can then choose to pause and step back to see if we can get a bigger picture on what may be playing out.
Sometimes this involves us physically taking a step back. It may mean standing up and going outside for a moment. It may be putting something in between the person we are having a reaction to, like a pillow or a book or anything to just create a small bit of distance. It can also be helpful to say something in our head like, I am going to step back here and be curious as to what I am seeing.
You may even choose to speak words out loud to the person you are having a reaction to, which might sound like:
‘That was interesting what you just said. I am going to take a minute to think about it.’
‘That is different than my interpretation, but I am going to sit with it for a moment.’
‘I can see that you are feeling frustrated about this.’
‘I can see that you are unhappy with this outcome.’
‘I can see you are placing blame on me. I have a different account of what’s happening here.’
Once we have grounded ourselves, stepped back and zoomed out, we can notice the feelings that may be present for us. Sometimes, a checklist can help:
Does this remind me of something?
How old do I feel?
What feelings are present?
What is being activated within me?
It can be very helpful to remind ourselves in this moment that no one can make us feel something; when we are having a reaction, that is our reaction.
If the feeling is big and you can feel agitation, anger or panic rising, the next step can be to help it move through the body. You can do this through shaking your arms and legs, making some noises to let out the frustration, going outside and breaking some sticks or putting your feet on the earth.
Sometimes in the moment, we can create enough distance, take note of the feelings that are arising and then place them in a box for the time being to get through whatever we have to. The important part is to then return to that box a few hours or days later and explore further what was activated in you. Journalling, a listening partner or a therapist can be a great place to explore what you feel and what those parts of you need.
Remember that these spaces get activated so they – and we – can be healed. Whether we need to create further boundaries, speak our needs or heal from the past, they are all a gift that is inviting us to own our story.
Extracted from Own Your Story by Lael Stone, published by Pan Macmillan Australia (RRP $36.99) out now.
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